Emotions

What is typical?

Many children experience complex feelings, the same way that adults do. Children can get nervous, jealous, frustrated, embarrassed or worried in a similar fashion to adults. Some issues that children may experience is communicating these feelings to you. When they are unable to communicate how they are feeling verbally they can attempt to do so in alternative ways such as through body language, facial expressions or their behaviour. This can result in children sometimes expressing their emotions in problematic ways. 

Children begin learning emotional skills that are needed to identify, express and control themselves from the moment they are born. They learn these skills through interacting with and forming relationships with other people such as their siblings, parents and carers. By spending time with your child, you can help them understand their emotions and improve their control of their feelings.

Below are some approximate milestones that your child should ordinarily be reaching, but keep in mind that each child is different, so slight variations are perfectly normal:

From one to two years of age:

• Self-awareness
• Recognition of emotions such as identifying when they are feeling in pain or upset
• Feeling embarrassment, empathy, envy and fear
• Begin to be able to wait their turn and begin controlling some emotions

From two years of age and beyond:

• Express frustration
• Begin to develop their independence and try to do things without their parents help
• Become more determined about what they want and can be bossy
• Have difficulty changing activities
• Find it difficult to control their frustration and throw tantrums
• Compare their own behaviour to others around them

When toddlers reach three years of age, some of the emotions they feel can be overwhelming for them. By listening to your child talk about their emotions and encouraging them to do so, you can help your toddler feel assured and help them to understand their feelings.

What are the common concerns?

Children often experience happiness and sadness similar to adults and this can impact the way in which they behave. However, it is important to note that when children fail to recover from upsetting situations, and this begins to effect other lives, that this is not normal. This can be a sign that your child is experiencing mental health problems.

If some of the below signs last for more than a few weeks, it is important to communicate with your child and seek help from your GP or paediatrician.

Emotional and behaviour signs

Your child:

• Is often worried or afraid
• Has difficulty paying attention, experiences restlessness or struggles to sit still
• No longer enjoys activities they used to
• Cries a lot or often seems sad or upset
• Starts displaying behaviours they have outgrown such as wetting the bed or sucking their thumb
• Often throws tantrums or often behaves aggressively
• Gets upset or afraid of being separated from you
• Avoids social situations

Physical signs:

• Has difficulty eating or eats too much
• Has had significant change in weight, whether it be gaining or losing weight
• Is oversleeping or doesn’t sleep well
• Has physical pain that has an unclear cause, for example is experiencing nausea, headaches or stomach aches
• Is struggling to get out of bed

Social signs

• Doesn’t want to go to school
• Is refusing to follow teacher instructions
• Is struggling academically more than usual at school
• Has withdrawn from friends or family
• Is having difficulty fitting in or getting along with children at school or other social situations
• Doesn’t look forward to social events like birthday parties or other activities like sport

What can I do?

Sometimes children have difficulty expressing their emotions as they experience strong emotions before they have the words to describe them. When you see your child experiencing a particular emotion, you can help by labelling it for them for example, ‘You are smiling, you must like playing with your toys’. It can also help to label emotions that your child can notice in others for example, ‘Mum is sad because she misses Grandma’.

Here are some other methods of helping your child develop their ability to label and identify emotions:

• Act out emotions with your child
• Read books about emotions with your child
• Relate how you deal with your own emotions to your child for example, ‘When I miss my mum, I cry sometimes. Do you ever feel like crying when you feel sad and miss someone?’
• Talk about characters in books, movies or shows that are experiencing emotions. For example, ‘Wow the Wiggles look happy to see each other because they are smiling’.
• Discuss your how your child is feeling when you notice them experiencing an emotion.

Sometimes if your child is having difficulty controlling their emotions, it can help to teach them strategies to help such as:

• Ask for some time outside of a room if it is making them feel agitated
• Teach them ways to calm down such as counting from 10 or taking deep breaths
• Suggest other ways to react to stronger emotions like asking for hugs when you are sad or squeezing an object tight when feeling angry

Who can I speak to?

It is important to seek support if changes in your child’s mood or behaviour:

• Are affecting relationships with friends or family
• Affect your child’s ability to complete everyday activities
• Impact your child’s enjoyment of life
• Distress your child
• Last for more than a few weeks

If looking for support, there are a wide range of options available, with the following being some examples:

• Your child’s general practitioner (GP) or paediatrician
• A mental health social worker
• Your child’s teacher or a school counsellor
• A child psychologist
• Your local mental health service
• Your local children’s or community health centre

If your child is five years old or above, they can talk to a Kids Helpline counsellor by calling 1800 551 800 or can send them an email using the Kid Helpline email counselling service or can access the Kids Helpline web counselling service.

If struggling to navigate any of these services, your GP can help you get started.